Freeways are fast and ants are…
oh
Anyway, without further ado I’ll get to what you IMNs came here for if you didn’t already look for Glass Prison tabs: the actual album review!
The album starts out with some boring progressive parts, the synths sound like buzzsaws and I really think its a shame that this band has apparently been around for 20 years and still don’t know how to write a good breakdown, get with the times Dad Theater! They after four minutes, then decide to go and showcase their ability to create dynamics.
I hate dynamics. I like my metal compressed and STRAIGHT to the GODDAMN POINT. Totally not impressed.
The song then continues with some shit about some guy giving this other guy hope to become undead or like a vampire or some shit. But they don’t actually finish the song, it’s only one part. Apparently, they tried stealing from their dad-rock idols Pink Floyd about sandwiching an album with two parts of an epic . Thanks for giving me blue balls for waiting nine minutes for an 808 drop.
The next song ‘Forsaken’ sounds like post-reject-Evanescencecore (I mean what is more gothic than a piano interlude in D minor?) and it involves the same vampire that was mentioned in the previous song except they obviously wanted this one to be mainstream. I don’t respect that. No one knows about my favorite bands like Volumes, Emmure and The Acacia Strain. You guys are true if you do :3
Fuck this song. NEXT!
‘Constant Motion’ seems to be aptly titled because it seems to just cycles through boring motif through boring motif. There is finally a beat down at the beginning of the song but its totally weak and had no bass drops. Dafuq. It’s cool these guys are great at soloing but they really need to learn how to write music. I don’t think they know that frets are the enemy and must know that aggressively palm-muting strings is the way to the promised land of success.
Finally we see some interesting things happen in ‘The Dark Eternal Night’! Drummer Mike Portnoy shows that he is hip enough to tap into more modern music by rapping over this song. He would obviously buy a PS4 unlike his bandmates who would get Xbox None. This is a true hero. This song is also pretty heavy but then gets back to progwank and thats when I click NEXT
I’m not really too into ‘Repentance’. It’s all mellow and shit, and it’s obviously about a narcissist who can’t stop looking at himself in a mirror and is emo about life. Like JESUS dude, that Falling in Reverse shirt doesn’t look THAT cool! The band then invites all their friends (there are seven of them, I counted) to lament over things they regret not doing over the song’s outro to add emotional weight to an otherwise stale riff. NEXT.
‘Prophets of War’ feels like something Muse would do with Skrillex except Mr. Skrillex was too busy taking Matt Bellamy’s wife out for sushi, some cold hard quickies and didn’t show up. The pseudo-Queen vocal harmonies courtesy of cool dad Mike Portnoy is followed by some more of his sick rhymes, but overall this song is plague. Delete.
‘Ministry of Lost Souls’? More like ‘Ministry of Snores’.
After what feels like an eternity, we are finally at the last song of the album. ‘In The Presence of Enemies Pt. 2” reveals a STUNNING AND UNEXPECTED PLOT TWIST:
The vampire is actually evil and commands its vampire fledgling to destroy everything including flesh and blood of rebels. Kind of metal, but I prefer Emmure’s lyrical matter, Frankie Palmeri is a fucking genius and I feel his love for Street Fighter II The New Challengers
After fifteen minutes, this song is finally over and so is this review.
